Misunderstood

I try so hard to not let my emotions get the best of me..
They always seem to lead my thoughts, days and actions, to the point where I sometimes have to make up a completely different person just to seem normal.
With a few words I can chase people away, and or completely captivate them.
I have to just face the truth, I am a very intense person, hard to handle, and even scary sometimes.
People just do not understand that I do all of this because I love them, and am so afraid of them leaving I over react or under react or just be a spaz in general.

Most of the anger I give out is for one reason alone...

I hate to feel like I am nothing to someone.

That may have alot to do with myself and how I think, but it's still something that I have to deal with alot, and most of the time, people are not even trying to hurt me, but because every single person that I have ever really loved has treated me like garbage, I always assume that eventually, someone is out to get me.

I guess that's the chance you take with letting people in your space, and the experience of having people and trying new things for me at least, outweighs the bad, so it's a chance I am willing to take.

One day I hope that I could be so sure of myself that these things are no longer an issue for me..
I hope that I can stop being such an intense person that people can enjoy being around me without feeling emotionally drained when I leave...

Then again, maybe I need to find someone that loves all of me, and even though I may be alot to handle, can love the way I am, and then maybe, I can start to realize that not everyone is going to hurt me...

After 30 years you would think I would have this handled already, but such is life.

Life has turned crazy upside down.

Today I stopped to look at how everything has ended up, and you know what?
I can't even fathom or comprehend how the heck I got here.
One minute life is something that I could handle, and be okay with, not completely perfect, but okay, and now, I don't even know what to say or where to start.

I have always been the one to not have many friends.
Sure in my younger days I had all the wrong kind of friends, but as of late, I mean actual good friends.
I have always thought of what life would be like if I had someone else to just be around, laugh and maybe take some of the heaviness away that seems to stay in my mind constantly....

I never knew being a friend could come on such an extremely personal and emotional level.

I find my self addicted and drawn to things I would never nor could ever consider.

I feel like I am losing myself, and yet somehow finding myself all at once.

It's been completely a mental and insane discovery.

But.

There is still that part of me that no one will ever understand or know.
That part of me that just wants to jump out of my mind and run away from here.

I have friends but I still do not feel that people, even the ones closest to me,  really understand and accept who I am.
I do not think that many or even one ever will..
I'm okay with that though, because at the end of the day you never know who you can trust and who you don't have to fear.
My mind seems so alive all the time, and if I could spend my days writing about what I think or ponder I would, but not many people stop to consider such silly things, and I guess that makes me silly as well.

I can't say I hate who I have become, because I don't.
I like who I have become and I like how adventurous I found out I can be, but then again, I am fearful of what could happen if such a line is crossed..
Everything could fall apart in one single moment.
It's really a delicate web we weave, and without focus and control, could just get out of hand...

I really wish I could share the exact events that have prompted this post, but realize ambiguity can be one of the best friends you could ever have, and not saying that I have any regrets, but if I could have done things differently, I would have.

You can't play with fire and not expect to be burned.
Even if it's just little hidden burns no one else can see.

Trust if you can, but never let your guard down.