Misunderstood

I try so hard to not let my emotions get the best of me..
They always seem to lead my thoughts, days and actions, to the point where I sometimes have to make up a completely different person just to seem normal.
With a few words I can chase people away, and or completely captivate them.
I have to just face the truth, I am a very intense person, hard to handle, and even scary sometimes.
People just do not understand that I do all of this because I love them, and am so afraid of them leaving I over react or under react or just be a spaz in general.

Most of the anger I give out is for one reason alone...

I hate to feel like I am nothing to someone.

That may have alot to do with myself and how I think, but it's still something that I have to deal with alot, and most of the time, people are not even trying to hurt me, but because every single person that I have ever really loved has treated me like garbage, I always assume that eventually, someone is out to get me.

I guess that's the chance you take with letting people in your space, and the experience of having people and trying new things for me at least, outweighs the bad, so it's a chance I am willing to take.

One day I hope that I could be so sure of myself that these things are no longer an issue for me..
I hope that I can stop being such an intense person that people can enjoy being around me without feeling emotionally drained when I leave...

Then again, maybe I need to find someone that loves all of me, and even though I may be alot to handle, can love the way I am, and then maybe, I can start to realize that not everyone is going to hurt me...

After 30 years you would think I would have this handled already, but such is life.

Life has turned crazy upside down.

Today I stopped to look at how everything has ended up, and you know what?
I can't even fathom or comprehend how the heck I got here.
One minute life is something that I could handle, and be okay with, not completely perfect, but okay, and now, I don't even know what to say or where to start.

I have always been the one to not have many friends.
Sure in my younger days I had all the wrong kind of friends, but as of late, I mean actual good friends.
I have always thought of what life would be like if I had someone else to just be around, laugh and maybe take some of the heaviness away that seems to stay in my mind constantly....

I never knew being a friend could come on such an extremely personal and emotional level.

I find my self addicted and drawn to things I would never nor could ever consider.

I feel like I am losing myself, and yet somehow finding myself all at once.

It's been completely a mental and insane discovery.

But.

There is still that part of me that no one will ever understand or know.
That part of me that just wants to jump out of my mind and run away from here.

I have friends but I still do not feel that people, even the ones closest to me,  really understand and accept who I am.
I do not think that many or even one ever will..
I'm okay with that though, because at the end of the day you never know who you can trust and who you don't have to fear.
My mind seems so alive all the time, and if I could spend my days writing about what I think or ponder I would, but not many people stop to consider such silly things, and I guess that makes me silly as well.

I can't say I hate who I have become, because I don't.
I like who I have become and I like how adventurous I found out I can be, but then again, I am fearful of what could happen if such a line is crossed..
Everything could fall apart in one single moment.
It's really a delicate web we weave, and without focus and control, could just get out of hand...

I really wish I could share the exact events that have prompted this post, but realize ambiguity can be one of the best friends you could ever have, and not saying that I have any regrets, but if I could have done things differently, I would have.

You can't play with fire and not expect to be burned.
Even if it's just little hidden burns no one else can see.

Trust if you can, but never let your guard down.

Miracles Everywhere.

This time last year we were in an awful situation.. It was so bad I didn't know some days how I was going to even provide for the kids basic needs.

It's horrible to have to ask for help, and honestly as grateful as I was for the help from various family and friends, inside I felt so ashamed... 

From the outside looking in, we should have had it all together. Husband has a job, we have a home etc., but people do NOT realize how expensive it is to just live day to day. 

The holiday season is usually one of two things for others.

Amazing, joyous, and magical, full of friends, family, gift-giving and great food.

Or.

It is stressful, horrible budgeting, wondering what will have to be sacrificed just so children can feel special and wondrous, with a warm home and full bellies and maybe a few gifts and extras that somehow, somewhere, parents always manage to pull off, but it is not without tears, prayers, and worry, and debt.

No the holidays isn't about what you can get, but everyone knows that every child should be able to have something for Christmas, and a meal. 

This isn't about welfare, or charity..

This is about the TRUE meaning of Christmas.

This is about coming together as neighbors, friends and family and being there for one another and showing love and joy to each other.

Sometimes I say things on here that I often delete or think about.

Esp if I have a blessing that may look like I am lucky, but honestly not many know the extensive struggles my family has endured over the years, but even so, I sometimes remove things, just because I do not know who is struggling with something and maybe who would be hurt by my happiness and joy..

Not intentionally, but if you know what I am talking about, then I don't have to say anything more about this.

And when you are desperate, it's hard to not feel bitter at someones  blessings.

People can be so petty.

If people struggle it doesn't mean that they don't deserve to have cable, or internet, or that once a week treat that they give their families, because often times, that one thing is the only extra someone has, and honestly, having nothing to look forward to is a horrible thing, especially for children.

I guess what I am trying to say is be gracious.

No you don't have to donate your money to charity, or volunteer somewhere (that would be awesome but still) that you don't really have the times or means for.

I really think that if everyone could look around to someone they know, and bestow the smallest kindness whether it be a loaf of bread, an invite to dinner, taking out the trash for a disabled neighbor, a Christmas card with even 5 dollars in it, and really pass it on, I know this year we could really make a difference in our own circles and communities. 

Maybe that single mom could use those old clothes in the back of your closet, or that dad could use a little help with a group playdate.

Maybe those kids outside could use a hot cup of cocoa, or an extra casserole to give to their family on a cold day.

One of my favorite and horribly cheap ways I like to put a smile on faces is at the discount store.

The stupid quarter for a cart thing,where you have to pay to have a grocery cart.

Next time, give it away for free.

Always.

Those extra sets of gloves in your underwear drawer could def be used for that man on the corner huddled around his once a day cup of coffee.

Talking to someone who just needs to be heard is an amazing thing.

Taking a few bucks to buy a simple toy for the 4 kids next store who you just KNOW are desperate for love but you don't really know could help..

I could go on and on but be creative.

Don't let fear and pride keep you from being a blessing to someone else, no matter how small, because honestly, I have been there, and I remember the little kindnesses that I received really got me through some of the darkest times I can remember.

Don't just celebrate the holidays, don't just buy gifts and gloat about how you outdid this one and that.

BE the true meaning of Christmas.

And remember, we are all in need in someway, and that one person who you helped out no matter how small, could be the one thing that God uses to bless you when you need it the most.

Above all, be THANKFUL.

This year, for the first time I can remember, I have actually enjoyed the holiday season stress free.

It wasn't done easily.

I have had so many people bless my family in the past that it is difficult for me to enjoy my blessings without a heavy heart, because I remember all too well that horrible feeling of desperation, not just at Christmas, but all year, for many years, and I am thankful because without that, I would not have known what it truly means to be a family, a mom, a strong wife, and ultimately a humble woman dependent on God for every single thing I needed, and without that, I would never know the compassion I feel when I realize how many hurting people are always around me.

If I could, I would start a organization for people around me..

My own community, neighbors, friends and family, that I could bless and help even if it's just a cup of coffee and a person to cry with.

Don't just look for the best deals, or stress over that one hot ticket item to give this year, but if you do, always remember to please keep in mind what the true spirit of Christmas means, and I ask each of you to reach out in some way to someone who needs a little bit of hope and help this year..

I keep stressing that it really has nothing to do with money.

It has to do with compassion, hope, and love...

Show love.

Be love.

And never forget that someone, somewhere, is begging for a miracle, and just maybe, that miracle could be you..

Pass it on always.

On behalf of my family, I pray that you all have a very blessed and warm holiday season, and that you remember that time when someone was that miracle for you as well.

God just isn't in the wind, or the blessings.

He isn't just in the bank account, when somehow you managed to pull off rent this month.

He isn't just in the family love, or the warmth of a safe home.

He isn't just in the huge miracle of health, or prosperity.

God is in that dirty homeless guy who is creepily begging for change on the corner.

God is in the noisy family next door, who you suspect have a drug problem and neglected children.

God is in that elderly neighbor, who hunches while walking to get her mail.

God is in your estranged loved one, who no one really likes but drinks every night begging God to help him out of the place they are in, but is too ashamed to ask for help.

God is in every single dirty, cast off, welfare recipient, drug dependent, poor, desperate soul that you see and pass bye.

He is in you, me, and every person He has created.

God didn't send His Son to the Plaza, or to a mansion, or to a certain grade of people to be born.

He sent his Son to a lowly manger, dirty, cold and dark.

He sent Him to every dark place that most of us avoid.

God didn't just come to save the well dressed on Sundays.

He came to everyone, because we are all in darkness.

That is the true miracle of Christmas, and it can never be bought, or sold, but it was given to us for free, and without taxes, strings, or because we worked hard for it.

Just think about it.

xoxo

http://youtu.be/NYexxEAl8Io

Doomed.

Sometimes I feel cursed..
Like real life, crazy cursed..
I am all jumbled up and yet still have to function..

My husband and my relationship is pretty non existent these days, him dealing with medical issues and me being the insensitive ahole left on the sidelines.
If I do not care enough I am wrong.
If I care too much I am wrong.

The two joys that really do get me out of bed in the morning are my 2 boys, who my whole world revolves around.

I have never been so confused in my life as I do right as this very moment.

Things were supposed to get better.
Life was supposed to make more sense after so long.

Whoever wrote the manual needs to re-evaluate because this year has been the hardest year of my entire adult life..

Nothing I have wanted to do this last 2 years has happened..
Did I mention I am going to be 30 in three weeks?

I had my whole life planned out, and 30 was supposed to be the epitome of accomplishment in both my self and my life.

Instead, I am unemployed, worn down and just wishing how great those have it that can pick up and run away must feel...

I feel like Im 20 most days and kick myself after for being so insecure, headstrong and utterly stupid.

Too young for those who wisdom graces and too old for the ones  whos main goal in life is to get wasted every weekend.

Every friend I have ever had I parted with. Most just lost common ground with me, and lets face it, I am really hard to keep up with..

For my birthday the only wish I have is for one day to be perfectly happy..

To laugh without something hanging over my head.
To feel respected, loved, and someone that someone couldn't live without.

My whole life I have only wanted those things, and just when I really think that I have finally made it to where I am going to be okay, something comes and knocks me back down...

Happy almost 30th to me...

Nothing ended up the way it was supposed to... Nothing at at...

Stop to just LOOK.

Everyday I stop.
I stop to take it the beauty of the earth.

The blue of the sky,the green trees,the gentle breezes blowing around my face.


 I DRINK it in.
 The beautiful quiet morning,painted with a sunrise.
 Freshly dewed grass that has not been disturbed yet by the sun.

 The sound of birds singing their morning songs to each other.
 
 The pink and orange hues of a sunset,falling behind the edge of the world.

 The endless night sky filled with millions of stars.

 Sometimes I feel like I could just fly right up to the moon,lost in wonder.

 Remember to enjoy this world you were put on.
 Remember to wonder in its makings,thank God for His design,and appreciate the beauty that you are given the chance to witness.
 
 One day we will no longer be here,but while I'm here I want to enjoy every second of LIFE i am given and are witness to.

 Take time smile at the little things.

Children-Mini Terrorists that captivate your heart.

As I am writing this,I hear my children. For anyone who knows them,it is quite IMPOSSIBLE to NOT hear them.
Ahhh,summer vacation,a child's dream,and to many stay-at home moms,a nightmare.
As a homeschooling mother of an 8 year old,and a mother to a headstrong 4 year old,life in our home is very noisy,messy,and disorganized.

At times I feel very overwhelmed,especially with 2 boys who insist that being ninjas is the most important thing in life,and that karate chopping every piece of furniture is a must,after all,what kind of ninja's are they?

They test me continually,and believe that with a kiss,a hug,or a little bit of humor,they can wrap me around their grubby little fingers and life will be swell..
Oh they are so good.
Or rather they believe thay are.

As a mother you learn to pick your battles wisely.
I have learned that pristine soccer moms,driving in SUV's,with shiny happy children,dressed in their golf attire is very unrealistic.

My car is a wreck some days,with discoveries of french fries,juice bottles,missing flip-flops,and toys in the back.
My kids play hard,fight,yell,and of course karate chop.

I am lucky if I get a shower without a 'MOOOOM" being yelled.
Disney,and Nickelodeon have taken over my T.V.'s.
I feel completely terrorized,impatient,and lets face it-CRAZY.

At the end of the day,I am cleaning goo off the tables,and dearly hoping the lightning bug jar still has the lid on it,but you know what?

Every picture.
Every kiss.
Every hug.
Every time I hear an "I LOVE YOU"

Every weed picked and given.
Makes it all worth it.

I have realized that they DO grow so fast.
My oldest refuses to hold my hand in public due to the utter horror and embarrassment of being caught.
I enjoy them as much as I can.

Of course on the days I just can NOT take anymore,I enlist the help of the Master Ninja,who makes his presence known every day at 6pm. -
DAD!
Ohh those three letters. Music to my ears.

So,tonight after I have said to stop pounding into the walls,for the millionth time,after I have found cookie crumbs in the bathroom(yes bathroom),and faught to have dinners eaten,room picked up,and finally bedtimes,I will sit and remember how angelic they are....How much I love them,and how much they bring joy,and love to my life.

I mean they ARE so very sweet when they are sleeping. =)