Misunderstood

I try so hard to not let my emotions get the best of me..
They always seem to lead my thoughts, days and actions, to the point where I sometimes have to make up a completely different person just to seem normal.
With a few words I can chase people away, and or completely captivate them.
I have to just face the truth, I am a very intense person, hard to handle, and even scary sometimes.
People just do not understand that I do all of this because I love them, and am so afraid of them leaving I over react or under react or just be a spaz in general.

Most of the anger I give out is for one reason alone...

I hate to feel like I am nothing to someone.

That may have alot to do with myself and how I think, but it's still something that I have to deal with alot, and most of the time, people are not even trying to hurt me, but because every single person that I have ever really loved has treated me like garbage, I always assume that eventually, someone is out to get me.

I guess that's the chance you take with letting people in your space, and the experience of having people and trying new things for me at least, outweighs the bad, so it's a chance I am willing to take.

One day I hope that I could be so sure of myself that these things are no longer an issue for me..
I hope that I can stop being such an intense person that people can enjoy being around me without feeling emotionally drained when I leave...

Then again, maybe I need to find someone that loves all of me, and even though I may be alot to handle, can love the way I am, and then maybe, I can start to realize that not everyone is going to hurt me...

After 30 years you would think I would have this handled already, but such is life.